How to do tasks with a bullie in the house

To vacuum.
This can go either way, you get the hoover out of its storage space, bullie sees the hoover and makes a bolt for it not to be seen again until it’s arch nemesis has been packed away.
Or it sits up and takes notice but does nothing until you turn it on, your bullie then becomes a Tasmanian devil hell bent on killing it’s arch nemesis. It bites at the head trying to drag it away from you, it gets any handle and tries to shake it to death. You spend more time trying to stop it from biting through the cable and electrocuting everyone than you actually do cleaning up.
You resort to a brush only to see it disappear through the back door and get dragged around the garden. A bit of dirt on the floor never hurt anyone anyway did it?

The feather duster.
Not a good idea, ever, never ever when you have a bullie, you see a utensil to get rid of cobwebs, they see a huge feather pupper toy. They want it, they are going to get it no matter what. You end up trying to fend them off with sword play but with feathers, you spent ten minutes trying to get the same feathers out of the bullies mouth, you give up and consider they will come out, eventually! A few cobwebs never hurt anyone anyway did they?

To get a shower.
One of two again, the scaredy cat who makes a run for it as it thinks you want to bath shower it or the pervert who likes to lick the glass from the other side as you shower. Either way you cut your shower short, the one that’s run away has gone quiet and you don’t trust it, the other makes you feel like your working in a strip joint! At least your top half is clean, dirty legs never hurt anyone anyway did they?

To iron your clothes.
No matter where you try and put the ironing board up a bullie will be spread across the floor. Stand ironing board back up and move bullie, go back to ironing board to find bullie has teleported back to the original spot. Repeat the above twice until you resort to contortions to keep said bullie in place while putting the ironing board up. Put iron on ironing board and proceed to top it up with water just as bullie decides to do a Usain Bolt through the ironing board and with the iron cable around its neck. Pick up iron, wipe down face, ironing board and mop the floor. Pack away ironing board and iron. A few creases in a shirt never hurt anyone anyway did they?

Cooking.
This is tricky as most bullie owners will tell you they know when the fridge, cooker, cupboard or anything to do with food has been opened. They are going to keep you company, very close company. You try to get them out but it’s like trying to herd a pig from it’s sty and as you push them by the bum they do a about turn and you find yourself out of the kitchen while they are parked in front of the oven. If you have a low level oven then you are in real trouble, you have to get the food from the counter top into the oven, the journey of said food if you like it or not is generally at bullie nose hight at some point. You have nano seconds to get it past, any slower they are going for it like jaws after an overweight surfer.
When you finish a bit of creative cutting from your child’s pizza to disguise the pupper bite mark you consider a little less pizza never hurt anyone anyway did it?

So if you have a bullie the moral of the story is any time and motion goes out of the window, no matter the task be sure to add 50% to the time you expect to get it done in. If you get it done, ever, or you just end up like the rest of us with bits of dirt on your carpet, a few cobwebs here and there, dirty legs, creased clothing and half eaten food but it never hurt anyone anyway, did it?