I'm at this stage myself!
It’s World Menopause month!
A plethora of articles/books/TV programmes/radio shows are likely to ensue – with the inevitable doom and gloom that often accompanies them.
Lets buck the trend and celebrate by creating and implementing our very own Menopausal Fuck It Lists.
A Menopausal Fuckit List is a list of all the things you always fancied doing. But maybe life got in the way. Or you felt you were not worthy. Or you were busy putting other people first. Or you worried about what people might think.
One fabulous thing about the menopause is that you no longer give a shit what people think – so if anyone sneers you can simply look them in the eye and say “Gonna do it anyway”. Or tell them to fuck off. Whatever works!
There are some rules around the Fuck It List. You can’t put boring things on it - like losing weight or drinking hot water and lemon every morning. The test is to put ‘fuck it’ before each idea and see how it sounds. So, for example, if you say “Fuck It, I’m going to drink 2 litres of water a day” – it doesn’t quite have the right ring to it. But if you say “Fuck it – I’m going to get my bellybutton pierced” – well that works!!! Or “Fuck it – I’m colouring my hair Pink” – that works too.
The first thing on my list was “Fuck it, I’m having a sexy convertible car”. Having spent my life with small sensible cars – I decided it was time. Menopause does have a way sometimes of grabbing you by the throat and saying “what the actual fuck are you waiting for!"
I loved my bright purple 2 litre totally not sensible convertible sports car – with heated leather seats. I didn’t care that my colleagues called it my ‘mid life crisis car’ because to me it wasn’t – it was my ‘mid life celebration car’. I didn’t care that I was paying it off forever. I thought it funny when friends referred to it as ‘clit extension’ (female equivalent of the dick extension.
I even got a personalised number plate – something I thought stupid and wankerlike in the past. But there I was, not giving a toss and doing whatever the feck I like. How very dare I! Couldn’t park the fucker though so had to eventually trade it in to a smaller but just as sexy blue convertible Beatle. No more sensible cars for me.
Sparkly red nails were next. My granny used to tut when she saw women with red nails, calling them tarts and I think that had stuck in my psyche. However, my gran also said I’d go deaf if I had a bath when I had my period. And that turned out also not to be based in fact, which I did not discover til I was 24!! I love my red glittery toenails and fingernails.
Sitting on the beach at midnight with a glayva was rather wonderful. The sound of the waves crashing in the dark. It was feckin freezing and I did develop a rather bad chest infection – it was Scotland! But it was also magical.
Climbing Calton Hill early in the morning and drinking Bucks Fizz as I watch the sun come up was rather amazing. Kind of overdone the Bucks Fizz which made the trip down rather more interesting than the climb up.
Riding on the back of a motorbike along the Ayrshire Coast was pretty cool. OK, the fuck it list originally specified the Amalfi Coast – but… I was skint from buying the car and then the feckin pandemic came!! But Irvine was almost as lovely as Positano. And flexibility in the Fuck it list is to be encouraged. I was a little scared if truth be told. But sometimes scared is good.
I’m designing a tattoo now to cover the scar that I got when my guts burst through my chest wall while on holiday abroad (the medical profession call it a strangulated hernia) and the lovely Spanish surgical team ripped my chest open, stuffed everything back in and sewed it up saying cheerily when I came round that I was just hours from death. So, I feel it’s time now to celebrate it. I am playing around with bluebells and bumble bees as they are my favourite things. Someone told me to think about what it will look like when I am 80. Well, if I get to 80, I doubt I will give a fuck to be honest. Doubt anyone else will either.
In years gone by the menopause was known as the gateway to death. We were lucky if we made it that far. Not anymore. We can often have a third, maybe even half our lives left. So why not make the rest of it the best of it! I love Oprah Winfrey's quote about menopause being perceived my many as a blessing - "your moment to reinvent yourself after years of focusing on the needs of everyone else!" The lovely Kim Cattrall sees it as the "start of the next fabulous phase of life". She also says she loves her body more now than ever before. Note she isn't lugging about an extra four stone and a massive meno-belly - I'd quite love her body too... But I love the sentiment.
It’s not all dry fannies, whiskers and fat bellies.
Chuck the misery of the menopause in the fuckit bucket just for a while. And let’s celebrate Menopause Month by having as many ‘fuck it’ moments as we can.
Twitter: @gallopingcatast
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