Dogs

This made me laugh ??


Borrowed from another page, I had to share as this made me laugh ????

* RECALL - you've been to puppy classes, you're cocky, you think you've got it in the bag - you've got your 'high value' treats in your pocket aka dried puppy salami sausage - your coats bloody stinking - you don't care - your head is high as you strut with your pup, confident she will return to your dulcet tones.....do not be fooled...they have no concept that ahead in the park is a football match that is underway...they just see a ball and feel they must join in immediately as those men clearly need assistance to catch the ball.....no amount of salami or pigs ears or puffed hens feet (yes these are an actual dog snacks) will assist you in your recall...

* YOUR CAR - Once your pride and joy....your magic tree gently scenting the surrounding air, the sunlight hitting off your gleaming dashboard and clean upholstery...now merely a distant memory.....you will make your boot a puppy haven...lining the boot with fluffy towels and fleece blankets with dog pictures on, a few scatter cushions and a selection of your dogs favourite toys. You saunter into Tesco smiling, glancing back at the wee face looking through the back window and congratulate yourself on the comfort your dog will be lying in. On return the face is no longer there. They have shaped their body in to such a way that they have managed, like a cat would, to squeeze through a shape appearing smaller than them to fit through the back seat, eating your tuna crunch sandwich on the way through, smearing some on the back windows as they greet fellow shoppers....emptying your handbag out...they are now lying across the dashboard munching on a tampon, the string hanging out the mouth like a small mouse. Some passerby's look at the scene, grateful now they decided to get a fish tank instead of a dog.

* YOUR HOUSE - your once nice, clean, vanilla scented house. It's not to be I'm afraid. All good things must end. There will be stains appear in places you didn't know existed, identifiable only by smelling. You don't know if it's your teenagers (who are equally as mingling) or the dog so no one can be blamed. Your patio windows will look like all the neighbours have been round licking them. Everything chewable must now be placed high up. Your waste basket will now be balanced on your mantelpiece, shoes lined up along the front of the TV unit where candles, like your soul, used to burn brightly, your John Lewis velvet cushions now serving as barriers to protect vital cables and entry behind various units. Your plants are all chewed, half eaten, a shadow of their former self (a bit like yourself).

* WEEKENDS - you used to look nice. Perhaps enjoy selecting nice outfits to wear for your Saturday shop and coffees out. You don't give a shit now. Once never seen out unless fully made up you will now be found wandering round your neighbourhood at 7am on a Sunday morning in your pyjamas with your puffa coat, hair looking like you've been shagging for a week (you've not. See birth control entry), carrying a bag of hot shite, swinging it gaily even, by way of a statement so all your neighbours know you are a responsible dog owner. You will have clothing envy as you meet other dog owners, clearly in the game longer than you have been as they have managed to get dressed and comb their hair.

* PETS AT HOME - you will think nothing of spending £49 on the latest harness and matching lead. Looking good is important. You will spend £35 every few weeks to have your dog washed, groomed, combed, nails cut, fringe thinned. Appearance is everything. You have no money now to get your roots done or waxing. You look a f@cking state but hey, the dog...what a cutie.

* SCREEN SAVER - once you had your children as your home screen...these have been replaced by your dog, she is the ruler of it all, you promised yourself you wouldn't be a dog bore - you are. You can't help it. You're never done snapping endless pictures of the dog sleeping, eating, dragging branches round then happily uploading them to the family what's app knowing they MUST be as thrilled as you to look at all these pictures.