VEGETARIANS

Thank God for vegetarians
For without vegetarians
The world would be overrun
With vegetables

Leeks would stand there
Leeking all over the place
Causing the streets
To stink of leek

Bunches of Broccoli
Would form into gangs
With flick knives, wearing brockle-creepers
Like teddy boys

Spring onions
Would be springing
Into fish shops
Saying they owned the plaice

And butternut squash
Don’t even think about
Butternut squash
They don’t bear thinking about

Artichokes would be lurking
In the shadows
Waiting to pounce
And artily choke innocent passers-by

Runner beans would be running
All over the place
Creating havoc
Amongst the traffic

Sprouts would be sprouting up
Everywhere
Convincing everyone
It was Christmas already

Lettuce would take over
The churches
Imposing their new religion:
Lettuce Pray

Chick-peas would be
Smoothly and smarmily
Chatting up
The chicks

Kidney beans would barge
Into operating theatres
Demanding to be
Transplanted

Mushrooms would be
Telling rubbish jokes
Trying to make people laugh
Thinking they were fun guys

Beetroots would be falling in love
With everyone they met
Saying
Bee troo to me my darling

Pa snips would be
Bullying reluctant dads
Into having unwanted
Vasectomies

Thank God for vegetarians
For without vegetarians
The world would be overrun
With vegetables